Land of Censorship

My residence in this place has definitely put a kink in my new school year's resolution to keep a more regular blog. Every few days something crazy, weird or just "China" happens and I feel like I should share it with any readers or at least note it down for my future entertainment. Then I realize that all I can do is share it with my laptop until I can borrow someone's proxy and post. Result? No generation of a single written word since that last note from KL.  I have notes about the oral presentations I just graded (they will turn into a post at some point), quotes from essays, anecdotes from Malaysia that I keep trying to remind myself of and that gave rise to Megan's and my catchphrase from that trip "Oh, well! At least it's a good story!" as well as the usual plethora of random meetings, weird and occasionally offensive student comments, new ELC developments and pre-EF gems.

Today though, as I sit in Jenica's apartment, shamelessly using her proxy to distract myself from the pile of essays I have yet to grade and babysitting her kitten who just got relieved of his ability to procreate, I just want to ramble. I'm not sure if these thoughts will be coherent or cohesive in any way, but I feel the need and desire to "share". It's been a stressful, busy and frustrating semester in a lot of ways and I've been adapting to certain new unignorable facts.

Fact #1- I am still in Shantou, China, despite the fact and repeated claim that "I am leaving at the end of this year" (said in 2007, 2008 and most recently 2009). The plan was to come here for a year, live somewhere else in China for the 2007-2008 school year and become quite competent in China, then return to 'the real world' and settle down somewhere, presumably with the reason I came here in the first place. Now, it's late 2009 and I am still here (as an astonished former student remarked a week ago) and by the time I leave (I'm saying it again, and this time hurt me if I go back on my word "I am leaving at the end of this year") I will have spent more time in this transitional place than I did at college. I am a "senior at STU" and determined to change directions as of July 2010. If it's good enough for the likes of Lok, Tracy, Jasmine and all, it's more than good enough for me.

Fact #2- I am now unattached and vascillate between being happy about it and living with thousands of "what-ifs". I won't expand on that state of affairs here, but suffice it to say that I have re-evaluated some things since August and have made some changes in my outlook and performance in life. It feels strange writing anything about this situation at all, but it's part of my reality and I figure anyone who cares to read my blog probably knows all about it already!

Fact #3- I have no diea which direction to go in after I leave Shantou. This is a by-product of Facts #1 and 2 and intensified by the feeling that I have gotten almost all I can out of my experience here. I could get a Master's in TESOL, Applied Linguistics or something similar and remain here/ return here, but I'm not sure that I would develop much more as a person and a teacher than I have already. Without singing my own praises, I think I can fairly say that I've come from an incompetent, nervous, shaking and shivering mass in front of the classroom and someone who thought her colleagues were so far out of her league to a confident equal to at least a few of the other members of the ELC faculty who has at least 1 out of 3 lessons that impart some form of knowledge and fewer than 1 out of 6 that totally bomb. If nothing else, my students will be well-versed in the uses of "it sucks!" and "awesome". I've been trying to vary my experiences here and to that end have become a coordinator, whose opinion is sometimes solicited, and leadership occasionally followed. I have been acting as advisor and counselor to various people around here (most notably one new teacher who seems to be having some troubel adjusting) and feel like this is finally "my place". Of course, that means I feel the need to leave it and so something different. Maybe if it wasn't for the fact that you have to make new friends every year, that doing anything other than planning/ grading or hanging out in someone else's apartment requires a 40 minute bus ride and that the discovery of the library has so far been the highligh of my year, I'd seriously consider staying here more or less permanently. But things being as they are, with 80F weather in November, no easy way to see family or non-current STU friends and no real Christmas spirit, I think I'll take my uprooting and resettling with a pinch of excitement and a healthy dose of relief. I just hope wherever I land it gets cold in the winter! Current interests include Paris, London, Newcastle, Edinburgh, Boston, New York, Washington DC, Seattle, Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal. Anyone have any leads there? I think I'll leave exoticism for my next fit of wanderlust!

Fact#4- I'm barely excited about visiting new places in Asia anymore. I'd go back to Koh Tao or take someone to Angkor (with just the one sunrise excursion probably) but I am not so intrigued by some of my other options. Is that bad? I really should be out there this winter discovering Indonesia or the Philippines, or even another part of India, but I keep having this image of myself bundled up wandering around the snow somewhere and that makes me want to skip the rest of Asia and go home, or at least somewhere familiar for Spring Festival. Decisions decisions. Maybe another sign that I need to move on.

Fact#5- (loosely connected to #3) I think I do want to go back to school sometime soonish. The discovery of the foreign language section of the new STU library sent me into geek-happiness, especially the collection of psych 101 and abnormal psych texts (they have the 101 book I used at Harvard Cont. Ed.) and the random smattering of Greek tragedies, both in English and Greek. Where did those come from?! Not sure what I'd go back for though. Psych? Classics? Teaching? Counseling? Law? Med? It's not like all these hours of introspection have given me any direction whatsoever. I just know that I remember liking learning and that when I sit there with terribly grammatically incorrect essays facing Euripides' Alcestis in the original, all I want to do is find a Liddell and Scott and get to work and that when a conversation comes up where I actually feel like I have interesting things to say (and it's unrelated to the best way to get through grading and planning without feeling your will to live floating away) I feel almost smart (or really dumb when the conversation goes over my head) and wish I could speak with more authority on intellectual things. I've even forgotten which one was the id and which one the ego... oh, my brain, where have you gone?

Fact#6- Students do not feel comfortable when office hours (and possibly other events) are held in a teacher's home. Knowledge I could have used approximately 3 years ago when I moved this weekly ritual from a classroom to my apartment, or at the start of the semester when I'm pretty sure the words "If you do not feel comfortable coming to see me in my house, please let me know and I can hold office hours somewhere else" left my mouth. Students!

Fact #7- Kittens lose their teeth and it's completely normal. (just in case you wanted to know!)

That is all for now. I should get at least 1 essay graded before Jenica returns and finds out I wasted an hour and a half!  Oh well, she just walked in... Productivity (and library), here I come!